so, i had a wisdom tooth pulled today, not because it grew in wrong or anything, but because it had a cavity, then broke, and then t he cavity went all the way down the tooth into the roots, causing lots and lots of pain... those nights i woujld complain about my teeth, this was the #1 problem.
anyway, let me tell you something about getting your tooth pulled. people are pussies. everybody tells me how bad getting your wisdom teeth pulled is. it was nothing. gave me a few shots, gave me a couple more, and then he just pushed on that shit and it came out right before my eyes, I didnt even know it was out until it was in front of my face. he shoved some gauze in my mouth and I was like "DAT WUSH IT???" and he was like yeah, that was it. the shots were the worst thing and I'm used to shots... every time ive gone to the dentist not for a checkup they're drilling and filling shit, and they always shoot it beforehand.
YAY FOR DENTISTS THAT DONT HURT ME, YAY FOR TEETH THAT DONT HURT ME ANYMORE AND YAY FOR EVEN MORE FREE TIME
so i figure if i play ffxi all day i can forget about all of the shit im pissed about but then theres the problem of getting off of ffxi and getting pissed about shit again
i live a sad uneventful life
fortunately im to the point now where im bored of feeling sad and i'm just annoyed at myself and i'm restless and just want to do something, anything, to keep me from thinking
due to my broken hand, i have a lot more free time than I did before cause i can only work box at starworld. ffxi has taken place of work that im not doing, and im leveling pretty fast. since i resubscribed about a week and a half ago i got my redmage from level 6 to level 28, and im pretty happy. im gonna try to get him to 50 before the end of this month. this isnt importat at all but i am having a lot of fun depriving myself of sleep and playing ffxi with a broken hand
shaolin soccer is like the best movie ever
oh dont you hate it when you see and talk to somebody you're trying to forget about? i took 2 lortabs and am waiting for them to kick in, i wanna see what the fuss is all about
welp, its broken. i am typing with just my left hand right now. my other hand is in a splint. i think (i hope) work pays for it, even though its my fault. i feel really dumb, i told rob i slipped and fell on my fist, thats believable right? red knows i broke it punching a box and doesnt care really. she made me go to the hospital anyway, i guess thats a good thing though considering its broken and all
so i was being dumb at work today and was punching stuff, and i punched something wrong and hurt my hand pretty bad, i still dont know if its a sprain or a break, im going to wait a few days to see if it gets any better. i punch stuff all the time but this time wasn't good. it generally doesnt hurt unless i put weight on it, like pick up something kind of heavy with my right hand. i can type kind of well but it feels like myhand catches fire whenever i use my pinky so im trying not to use it. im not using apostrophes because thats a pinky key, every other keythat would be used by my pinky, i just move my hand over and push it with the ring finger. its nice and swollen and theres a nice purple bruise by my palm, looks pretty bad... i hope its not a break
i was just brushing my teeth and looking at myself in the mirror when i was doing it, and i noticed that i have gray hair. like, a lot of gray hair, all over my head. i don't know about you but i think that's awesome. i always wanted gray hair, i'm not even kidding. after i finished brushing my teeth, they hurt pretty bad (actually they hurt before i started brushing) so i took my ibuprofen medication... actually i just take a lot of ibuprofen it's not really a medication. and that reminded me of the movie daredevil. i was flipping channels and it was on so I watched it for like three minutes. ben affleck took a bunch of aspirin and put them in his mouth and started CHEWING ON THEM. why did he chew the aspirin, is it because he's daredevil? i dont' consider chewing aspirin daring at all, just unnecessarily gross. get some water affleck, you might be daredevil but that doesn't mean you can go around chewing aspirin just because everybody else takes it with water. why don't you eat some poop next, that's pretty daring.
topic change
i didn't play ffxi tonight because i iddn't want to stay up til 5am and feel like shit the next day, but it looks like I did that anyway just not playing ffxi.
topic change
tonight at work was kind of shitty and kind of not. it was shitty because it was pretty busy. it wasn't shitty because we kept it under control and i was impressed with myself for being so awesome. on top of that, i no longer give a shit about people anymore. to clarify that, i don't care about telling people what to do anymore, i just tell them to do it, and if they don't do it, i tell them to do it again except scary, and they do it. somebody gave me the finger after I told them to get ice, actually two fingers, and i just laughed at him as he got ice. it's because i'm the man.
anyway there's this guy that's been working there maybe five months at the most talking about how he's going to get promoted to assistant manager. i assume he's full of shit but it pisses me off that he would think that and it pisses me off that it would even be a possibility if it's true. so i decided that if he becomes assistant manager, i will quit. no notice. just leave. if I don't have a car, i'll get a walking start and get picked up along the way. it's probably nothing. but it would be such a spit in the face if it's true. i've worked harder than that guy, i've worked more than that guy, i've worked longer than that guy. all of my logic points to bullshit, but then again, anything's possible... i mean look at the latest addition to the line of QA's. nick knows what I'm talking about.
i'm leaving names out of this for fear of somebody finding their name and finding that i'm actually a vitriolic asshole instead of a nice guy. also, i'm not jumping to conclusions yet because i haven't heard it from the person himself, but from somebody else telling me. probably just the old rumor mill churning, you know how stuff can get over there, one person says one thing the next person skews it a bit and so on until it's something totally different than what it is. i'm actually 98% sure it's bullshit... don't even know why i'm pissed in the first place, considering i was planning on quitting for at least two months now... not sure about that now but I definitely am going to start looking for a better job once I get some form of transportation... seems to just keep getting delayed
from what it seems, ffxi has filled a void in my life. well not really a void but sleep. it has replaced sleep in my life. i guess that is kind of the opposite of the first sentence. I played in a japanese party for like five or six hours, and it was great... reminded me of everything i liked about the game, the teamwork and strategy involved in battles. even though I couldn't really communicate with anybody in the party, we all knew what we were supposed to do and everybody did their job well. after the white mage left, we still kept going for about an hour as five people and I took over the white mage's job (i'm redmage). you can pull that kind of stuff off at lower levels... gained 3 levels, i had lots of fun.
but now it's almost 5am and I didn't eat anything because I was too busy playing, so I had to scrounge up some shitty food to eat so i don't starve to death in my sleep. how come so much stuff tastes like chicken, but lunchmeat chicken does not taste like chicken. they could at least try. i don't know what it tastes like but it's definitely not chicken. i also ate a handful of cheese puffs and a glass of milk. i'm not gonna let ffxi take over my life, but it might cause me to be tired a lot more.
tomorrow (technically today) i have to get up around 10am and be at kung fu by 11am, cause testing is today and although I won't be testing this time around, my friend is and I will be his partner in the self defense part of the test. so basically i get to get up early and put on some pads and let somebody punch/kick/throw me for a little while. then i get to go home and i'll probably sleep. then i get to work at 4 until close, and then I'll probably play FFXI after I get home and stay up too late and then subsequently not get enough sleep and almost repeat the same thing the next day. Except sunday I have to get up early to go to lion dance practice (colorblind people can click on that and get a cool link explaning what it is if you don't already know). i'm one of the three musicians. i play cymbals. isn't that just awesome. it's harder than you think.
so, as much as I've been talking about learning how to drive a standard (and I've been practicing), there's a chance I might be trading the truck in for an automatic car. I don't think this is a bad idea, because I'm already nervous about driving as it is and having to worry about pusing the clutch and switching gears and all that shit just makes it harder... but at the same time I want to continue learning how to drive a standard and eventually get used to it so it's second nature, and I won't have to worry about it. I would probably like if we traded the truck in for a standard car because I feel more comfortable driving a car than a truck... but that kind of defeats the whole original purpose I would have been trading in the truck for, which is getting an automatic vehicle. But yeah... the truck's only got like 40k miles on it so it's in pretty good condition although it sat around for a while. it's a 94 ford ranger. think I could get a pretty decent car for that? just wondering what you guys think.
anybody that knows me, knows that a few months ago I kicked an addiction that caused me to sit around for hours doing practically nothing. and i was happy sitting around for hours doing nothing. after a while though, I decided that it wasn't for me anymore and I quit. since then i've kind of become restless, a lot of stuff in my life has changed for the better but also for the worse also. i was no longer happy with what i was doing with my life and I felt that i needed to take initiative and do something to get my life back on track. but after taking that step, i'm yet again at a standstill and it's even worse than before because it's right there in front of me. this has made me even more depressed.
and depression leads to bad things, i have given into temptation and fallen back into the self-destructive addiction that caused me to be content with sitting around for hours doing nothing. i'm so ashamed of myself...
...that's right, i resubscribed ffxi.
(i actually posted this last night, but the movable type cgi was messing up so here)
i'm kind of sad, the lan is winding down and all of the college kids are going back home and i have to go back to sitting around at home all the time. i bought midway arcade treasures 2 today and it is really awesome. cost 20 bucks and worth every penny.
i think i'm going to sell out and make a hardcore band, but it's going to be an awesome hardcore band that will make all other hardcore bands look SOFTCORE. i made an awesome logo and it's nice and artsy like a hardcore logo should be.
despite all of the shit talking, I think I am going to go ahead and try firefox again. When I used it, it was probably about a year ago and wasn't as developed as it is now, so I'll give it another chance. It really wasn't that all bad when I was using it, except that it didn't show certain websites or certain parts of websites (for example, the buttons in the movable type update page).
so yeah, tell me some good extensions to put on it
last night was pretty fun, I got to try out my idea of getting drunk and playing parappa the rapper 2 player vs. mode. I'm not as precise when I'm drunk but my rhymes flow like the euphrates when i'm on the crunk juice. I've also been playing Chronicles of Riddick for PC and it's really good, but it almost rapes my computer. It kind of sexually harasses my computer in the workplace, but my computer likes it enough not to file charges or make a big deal out of it. I also just installed Far Cry because I've had it for month and never really bothered to play it. It is really fun, but it's kind of difficult, at least where I'm at. I would actually be playing it right now if I didn't get pissed and quit.
My truck is running now, so all I need to do is get some tags and insurance and learn how to actually drive the thing. I think it will be fun and I'm looking forward to going places without needing a ride from somebody else. It'll actually be kind of weird because... well... I've never really gone somewhere alone. It's kind of a weird thing to think about, but my whole life I've gotten a ride from somebody. And I've always depended on that person for a ride back. This will no longer be the case and that is really strange to me. I'm still nervous as fuck whenever I get behind the wheel though so I'm probably not going to be driving a whole log until I'm more comfortable with it. But yeah...
I actually feel a lot better now. I'm not even sure if I'm even going to call again, I think I'm done bothering with it. I feel really sad and pathetic for taking it this far, I actually feel like I shouldn't have ever called in the first place and made this decision a month ago. After thinking about it, I think I just miss the feeling of being with someone, rather than missing her. I think it's that feeling that I want and drives me to be better... and my life is just beginning I think. I am a hot and sexy man and there will be lots of girls out there that will appreciate me for who I am. I'm not giving up, I'm moving on. So fuck it, here's to 2005.
welp, I called her again tonight while I was at work, around 8pm. I didn't want to wait until after work to call because it would be like 11:30 and I hate calling people that late.
Her friend answered the phone, and said that she was in the bathroom. She asked if I wanted her to go get her. I told her to just have her call me back. I still haven't gotten a call back. This doesn't look too good. I'm going to wait a while before calling again, after my truck is running and I'm able to drive places. I want to talk to her in person and not over the phone.
On a good note, my truck should be good this week, I got one of my friends that works at a car place to look at it, and he says it's the fuel pump. He's getting it towed tomorrow and he's gonna get discounts on the tow and the part and fix the truck. It'll be cool.
welp, i doubt it's gonna happen today now... after sitting around for an hour trying to gather the courage to call, i got an answering machine. I didn't leave a message, i just hung up. this is sad sad sad. i have to leave for work in 10 minutes now until close so fun times ahead.
so yeah, my last post was pretty vague. sometimes I like to be vague and mysterious, people wonder about what i'm talking about and stuff. most of you probably already know what i'm talking about.
i grew some balls new years eve night, and I called her. it was one of the hardest things i've ever fucking done, it was like taking the driving test times 50. we talked for about 30 minutes, which was great. caught up on the last month, etc. I didn't tell her how i felt, but for some reason i was so happy that i actually got to talk to her, and establish communication after a month of nothing, that i didn't want to ruin anything that i might have felt.
today (technically yesterday, jan 1st) i called her before I had to work, and we talked until I was late, but I didn't really care. but it was kind of an awkward conversation. I didn't feel as good afterwards. I didn't tell her how i felt, but I know she's probably wondering why i'm calling her now after not calling for a month. actually longer than that, i never called her. i've probably only dialed her number three or four times in my whole life, including the time i called her new years eve and today. this is quite a change in my style, but I don't want to fuck up like I did before and not call and let things go for a month. but i'm starting to think maybe she stopped calling me for a reason... i'm always pessimistic.
but she came into the movie theater today, and I know she knew i was there. I told her I had to work until close tonight. I saw her, but she didn't see me. I stepped into the back to finish what I was doing, and when I walked back out, she was gone. This kind of devastated me in a way. It sounds like nothing but to me it wasn't nothing, to me it was fucking terrible. I haven't been able to think straight since then.
So, I've decided, tomorrow before I work, sometime before I work, I'm going to call her and tell her how I feel. I don't care about the consequences anymore. I just need to know if I can move on. Because right now I feel like I am stuck on her and I can't move on, even though it seems like she's forgotten about me. This is the worst I have ever felt in my life. I can honestly say that I have never felt worse than this in my whole entire life. She is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm just afraid she got the wrong impression about me...
For the short relationship we had, it was pretty physical. I think we moved a little faster physically than we should have, but I liked her a lot and I was under the impression that she liked me a lot and was ready to take the relationship to the level that we took it to. After everything happened, and she told me that we should take it down a notch, I agreed, but I was depressed about it. I wasn't depressed that we weren't going to be as physical anymore, I was depressed because I thought she didn't like me as much as she did before. I think I fucked up in so many ways I can't even begin to count. I think when I was depressed about taking it down a notch, she got the impression that I was only interested in the physical aspect of our relationship and not the fact that I was afraid she didn't like me as much anymore. I think she got the impression that I didn't like her as much because I didn't call her, but the truth was that I felt like I was an inconvenience to her, and I didn't want to bother her with my phone calls. I felt like she was ashamed of me because I was an inconvenience to her.
This sounds really fucked up but it feels right to me... the last month has changed me as a person and it's changed my goals in life. I feel like I have meaning to my life again, something I didn't feel like I had before. It's hard to strive to achieve things when you don't feel like it has any meaning, but when you have a reason to better yourself, it becomes a lot easier. I feel like she is a reason to better myself and become a better person. I do care about my future and I know that I have to do things to live a full and happy life. but before, I felt like it was worthless, like I was worthless. Lots of people say that relationships that fall apart can never be put back together again, but I don't feel like we had a real relationship in the time that we were together. I didn't know how to act and how to express myself. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know anything, I just let everything happen. This past month has changed me and made me realize that I can't just let things happen anymore, I have to make things happen.
So, tomorrow, I make the call. This is the only way I feel like I can be at peace with myself again. Every night for the past few weeks, I have been going fucking nuts thinking about what I should do. I knew I should call her, so I did. After I called her once, I knew I should keep calling her, so I called her again the next day. But just calling her and talking about random stuff is never going to be anything more than that, and I know this. It's just going to make me feel worse because I think she is a part of my life again but I am just talking to her over a phone. These are the hardest things I have ever done and it makes things I have done in the past look like a fucking cakewalk. I can't believe I was so afraid of driving and getting my license. Compared to this, that was nothing.
Anyway, yeah. I'll update you guys on what happens, good or bad. I don't care about expressing myself on this site anymore, it actually makes me feel a lot better that other people know and care about what is happening to me.