i'm really glad i grew some balls
i'm happy now
I think 2005 is going to be great
just so you know
jet li vs god:
more proof that jet li > god
jesus tapdancing christ i drank entirely too much last night
i took like maybe 10-12 shots of vodka
i don't remember going to sleep, but it happened, there were like six pillows laying around in the room i slept in, and i was just laying on the floor with no pillows or anything.
i had a lot of fun, lots and lots of fun, but i'm still feeling the aftermath 24 hours later... for some reason i crashed on my bed about 10pm tonight and then woke up about 2am still feeling shitty, can't sleep now. it's not entirely because of the liquor though, i've been having lots of trouble sleeping lately because i just keep thinking of shit. insomnia due to thinking too much is kind of a catch 22, you want to go to sleep to stop thinking about things, but you can't sleep because you're thinking about things. i wish something would happen to make me happy again, that would just be fucking swell. but i guess that's just me waiting for stuff to happen again.
I think it feels kind of nice to have ambition again though. I want to be independent and persue higher education, get a good job, make lots of money. The biggest problem with ambition though is it seems that the more of it you have, the more it sucks when you're not doing anything. When you lack ambition, you're just happy with not doing anything.
I'm having trouble determining what jumpstarted my ambition again. I used to be really ambitious, I made good grades in school and all that shit. I've been called genius a few times, that gave me a fucking ego from hell that still shows sometimes. I can't say I agree with it though, I think i've done some pretty stupid shit. Not like drive shopping carts into bushes stupid, although I did once jump down half a flight of stairs when I was 17 and fucking damn near broke my foot in half. Stupid shit like gave up on life for four years, didn't look into anything regarding my future.
I really thought I would succeed musically, even though I was playing shitty music that only a small percentage of a small percentage of people liked. I didn't even like it that much. I still think I can succeed musically if I really applied myself, but I realize now that I can actually have a real life while still writing and playing music. Sometimes I feel like I've given up on music, and I kind of have, but I think I love it now more than ever. I just can't find anybody who likes my type of music who has the same views on it as me. I love metal. I play metal. I don't know if there's any other type of music I could ever play or enjoy playing, whenever I think of music in my head, it is metal. There is something about metal that's great. You can write a beautiful acoustic piece that doesn't ever even touch guitar distortion, and it is still metal. I truly think that I appreciate the art of metal... but at the same time, I hate it. Not the music, but the musicians. Most metal musicians are so fucking false it shames me to be associated with them. There is a certain attitude that metal guys feel that they have to have. First of all, they can't listen to anything outside of the genre of metal. It's all pussy shit to them. Some guy actually said to me that he couldn't enjoy any music that was under like 210bpm or something. I'm not a drummer nor am I a schooled musician so I don't recall the exact number he said or know how fast 210bpm is, but I just wanted to kick him in the teeth when he said that. I agree that people are entitled to their own musical opinions, but I refuse to believe that the only music these people like is metal. They just don't give anything a chance, they hear a clean vocal or an acoustic guitar chord and immediately write it off as "pussy shit". I could keep going on, but this whole paragraph is a fucking tangent and I'm just going to say that if I play metal, I'm playing for these fuckers and I don't want a bunch of fans that I despise. Call me an elitist or a bohemian or whatever, but metal fans are the biggest fucking posers out of them all. Most ironically, they are also the most likely to call other people posers. On that note, I'm a metal fan and calling people posers so I might be falling right into my own trap.
Back on the ambition thing... I know I said this at least four times last night when I was drunk, but girls fuck with your mind. In bad ways and good ways, or good ways and bad ways depending on how you look at it. I've been happy many times in my life. When I got skate or die for christmas when I was seven years old, I was happy. When I won the spelling bee at my elementary school, I was happy (although when I lost state, I was unhappy). Girls make you a different happy than that I've recently found out, like you're content with everything that you have or don't have just because you're with somebody that you know likes you. When they say nice things about you, you believe them, and you know it's not bullshit. You feel attractive because they are attracted to you. The feeling is better than anything I've ever felt, it's like a drug. It's addictive. That's what's bad, addiction is bad. Take it away and you feel worse than you've ever felt and you do whatever you can to get it again. Except with drugs it's called desperation. In this case, I'm going out on a limb and calling it ambition.
So yeah, I feel like a dipshit for taking shit so seriously, but I really don't care about feeling like a dipshit anymore. Actually, despite all of the depression and wallowing in my own self pity and posting about it on the internet, I'm actually glad everything happened the way it did. JP was right in what he said, I wouldn't change anything, because it made me the person I am now. The past month has probably been the most productive month of my life, and all I really did was get my drivers license. But I guess I also decided to get a life, and that's pretty productive. I really have problems expressing myself sometimes, but it's great to know that I have friends that will read this and understand what I'm saying and not write me off as some pathetic asshole who feels sorry about himself. I think that means more to me than anything, thank you for being there because without you guys, I don't know what the fuck I would do.
I just remembered that I took a shot of pancake syrup, jesus christ
if I could find the guy who created the bot that keeps spamming my fucking comments, i would break into his house in his sleep and cut his fucking balls off, and then force him to eat them at knifepoint. I WOULD MAKE SURE HE LIVES SO HE HAS TO LIVE THE REST OF HIS LIFE AS A EUNUCH THIS IS HOW MUCH I HATE COMMENT SPAM
i am uneasy, so fucking uneasy
it's like, I don't know. I don't like posting really personal stuff on this site because it makes me feel like people know too much about me, it makes me feel like i'm opening myself up too much and that leaves weakness points, like people know how to hurt me more if they know more about me. Kind of like when you're fighting somebody, if you leave yourself opened, you're going to get punched. If you don't cover your face, you're going to get punched in the face. If you don't cover your abdomen, you're going to get punched in the guts.
but right now, there is so much shit inside me being hidden and bottled up that I just feel like i'm going to fucking explode. it's been really eating away at me and i've been trying to take initiative and trying to get a grasp on my life, maybe achieve some sort of normal behavior and maybe eventually become a real respectable person. right now I just feel like I'm doing nothing, like I'm just sitting around waiting for something to happen, like it's going to just happen. I know it's not going to happen but I don't know what I want to happen so I just keep waiting like some will just come along. Because that's what everything in my life has been like, my first job just came along. When I started working at the admiral twin, it was just because the opportunity arose. Starworld just came along as a result of working at the admiral twin really.
And any of the relationships that I've been in, they all just came along. Note that I haven't been in many relationships and that's probably a good reason, but everything that has happened to me has just been a matter of circumstances really. And in those relationships, even when I've started, I just wait for things to come along. I don't ever call, I just wait to be called. I don't ever suggest anything, I just wait for something to be suggested. It's kind of what I'm used to now, I was never independent so I couldn't suggest something. That's like callng somebody and saying "hey, let's go see a movie, pick me up?". It doesn't work like that. It's like calling somebody and putting them on hold immediately after. It's just an inconvience. I really really don't want to be like that anymore.
So yeah, my last relationship, I found somebody I really liked. I was so nonchalant about it, after all, it just came along. But it was with somebody that I had liked for months before that, so it seemed so fortunate. And I feel like I fucked that up too, just for waiting for things to come along. I never called, I just waited to be called. I never suggested anything, I just waited for things to be suggested. I've never been used to anything else, I have never been in a position to say "hey, let's meet somewhere", or "hey, let's do something". I'm always tagging along with somebody, and that is what I'm used to. I never have been in a position to suggest anything. But for some reason I thought that was okay. I feel like such a fucking dipshit for thinking that, I just want to fucking punch myself. I feel like a dipshit for getting too attached, and jesus christ I feel like a huge fucking dipshit for not calling her. I should have called her the next day but now it's been pretty much a month since the last time we've talked and the longer I wait the harder it seems like it will be to call her. But I am still stuck with that feeling that I am in no position to suggest anything or do anything, because I am still stuck at my house with no form of transportation or independence, even though I have my license now. and that makes it even worse, it's like something valuable to you right in front of you but a thin sheet of unbreakable glass separating you from it. you can see it but you can't grab it, you just look at it.
so yeah, I don't want sympathy or consolation, I definitely don't want people to feel sorry for me... but i hope somebody understands how I feel right now
i'm happy i get to work 3 until close on christmas... well not really, but i'll be making like 9 dollars an hour so at least i'll be making back a bunch of the money i spent buying gifts for my family... and myself... i bought a nintendo DS and a game and a GBA game for myself and that equals a lot of money.
i feel kind of bad because I didn't buy anything for my friends... sorry guys, it's hard to buy stuff when the only time i go shopping is with you guys. but that will change soon, once I get the truck running and learn how to drive it (standard) and get tags and insurance and stuff... cause i got my license and i'm ready to drive places instead of getting rides everywhere.
oh yeah
happy birthday jesus
I know everybody's playing WoW or FFXI, but this was an offer that was too good for me not to jump on. If you sign up for a regular Anarchy Online account between December 15 and January 15, you get to play for free until January 2006. The software is free, the account is free. You aren't required to give any credit card info whatesoever.
Now I played AO for a few months and it wasn't that bad at the time, but compared to the current line of MMORPG's (FFXI, WoW, CoH) it's not really that great. But, on the other hand, it's completely free for a year. And it's really not a bad game, so I decided to go ahead and register before the deadline for a free account is up. If anybody was wanting to try AO, I would suggest they try this before the 15th of January because it's free. Also I might not have mentioned, it's free.
i slept all day today... nyquil does that sometimes. i haven't been feeling too well the past couple days, i really hate being sick. I dont' really get sick that often, i like to think that I have an awesome immune system but the truth is i probably am not social enough to catch all of the nasty colds lurking about out there. it's hard to catch communicable diseases when you are at home all day every day. well i guess that's not entirely true, i work and go to kung fu, but that's about it.
anyway, i've just been really depressed lately. i need to do something... i just feel like an inconvenience to everybody around me. it makes me feel restless. i've been trying to take my mind off of it by playing video games (world of warcraft, vampire bloodlines) for the past month, and it's worked somewhat... but lately I just feel like i'm wasting time, whenever I play I feel like it's pointless... to tell the truth, it pretty much is pointless, but usually it's fun. but in the past week, i haven't been having any fun. i've been trying to write music and everything that i create sounds like shit to me. i need to find out some way to be happy again.
