I went to Tulsa last friday, came back today (technically yesterday, Tuesday). It started out great, but it spiraled into probably the most miserable few days of my entire life. I broke up with Afy Sunday night. I wish it didn't have to happen, but it did. Neither of us wanted it to happen, but it was something that had to happen because it would it would inevitably lead to both of us being hurt even more if we kept our relationship going.
Allow me to go into further detail...
Afy's family is from India (Bangladesh, to be precise), and they are a very prestigious family where they are from. They are literally descended from royalty. It is tradition in their culture for the daughters to have arranged marriages. Families basically use their daughters as bargaining chips to join with other families, almost like a business venture. My outlook on their tradition might seem a bit cynical, but only because it affects me also. I see it as a silly and archaic tradition, but in all honesty, it works. Sure, they don't marry for love, which to me seems the only reason to marry someone, but they marry for almost guaranteed financial success, uniting two families who both gain from said union, and the preservation of a tradition that has worked over the centuries, regardless of how archaic and silly it might seem.
I wasn't planning on marrying her, I didn't even have thoughts of marriage in my head. But we both knew that this would inevitably happen, even at the beginning of the relationship. We just both ignored it. As we got closer, though... the tension just started to build. I think we were both afraid of expressing our feelings to each other, because we both knew that it would eventually inescapably lead to us both being hurt. This is no way to have a relationship. Some people may disagree with me, but I don't think it's possible to have a real relationship with somebody when you know that it's going to inevitably end. This is why I broke up with her... As we got closer, I just became more miserable, because I knew what would happen. I didn't know if it would happen sooner, or later, but I knew it would happen, and that's all that matters.
I don't know if many people will understand how I feel right now because they'll never have to experience what I experienced in this situation. I don't know if she knew this, but I loved her. I still do. I didn't know her for a long time, but I talked to her more and had more of a relationship with her than I've ever had with anybody. It is the most agonizing, gut-wrenching feeling I have ever had to deal with, knowing that I am powerless to do anything about it. I have to just let my feelings decay into a memory, and become numb to them every time I see her or think about what we had together.
Sometimes I wish that it had ended on bad terms, so I could feel angry and spiteful towards her. Dealing with it would be much easier. All I feel is sadness, and maybe regret for ever having gotten involved in the first place. But I'm glad that the first girl I ever loved was somebody as amazing as her. The whole time, it seemed too good to be true. She seemed to almost be the polar opposite of me. She had traveled to more places than I would probably ever go in my entire life. She is fluent in six different languages, incredibly smart, and incredibly beautiful. Just knowing that somebody like that wanted to be with me made me feel special. I felt like I had the world's greatest gift, and then had to give it up.
But alas, nothing gold can stay.
So, how was your weekend?
Posted by Joe at January 11, 2006 03:48 AMMan, that sucks when you have to let something you love go.
My weekend was meh
Posted by: Token at January 11, 2006 09:16 PMPuh Joe. I can't even imagine what that's like, I just hope the hurt doesn't stay for too long.
We're all here for ya buddy.
Posted by: HardwareGuy at January 12, 2006 12:09 AMYeah, some traditions can really suck. Hope this weekend will be better for you. My last weekend wasn't much of anything.
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