Cycopl: helpless

October 17, 2005

helpless

Does anybody ever feel like they're helpless, like they have no control of anything that happens to them? That's kind of how I feel. It's my own fault, for being so passive, being afraid of confrontation and being afraid of failure. It's kind of ironic, being afraid of failure has actually kind of caused me to fail.

Like I said in my last post, I turned in an application to TCC. I think this is a good start, but I've been thinking about it, and I really don't want to go to TCC. I feel that I am capable of going to a better school, and I feel like I am settling for less. One of the main reasons I feel like this, as much as it pains me to say it, is Justin. As most of you know, my friend Justin has been living with me for a while now. What was supposed to be temporary, has become a year. It's partially my fault, because before he moved in, I agreed to get a place with him, and he could live at our house temporarily until we got our own place. But things have changed in that time, and priorities have changed.

To go into further detail, at the time, our band, was still a band. I still thought that we would keep practicing and stay together, but our drummer moved out of state. Instead of getting on the ball and actively looking for new members, we procrastinated. Since then, though, I've done a lot of thinking. As much as I love playing music, I know that I can't dedicate all of my time to it, it's already wasted so much of my time already. I need something real in my life to persue, instead of putting all of my stock into something that has little chance of actually happening. I realized this a long time ago, but I never really had the courage to admit it.

And now, it seems that we rarely practice anymore, and we have different priorities. But if that's the case, why is he still here? A big reason is that he has so much now in Tulsa, that he can't leave. He has gotten too comfortable, and now can't afford to move out and live on his own. He bought a car that he can barely afford, the payments take all of the money he has. Even if we were to get a place, how would he come through on payments, if he doesn't even have any money right now? These are the things that I think about now. He is a really good friend of mine, but he is far too impulsive, and I on the other hand am very contemplative. What if we were to get a lease at an apartment, and he couldn't pay his half? I would be pretty fucked then. Moving into a place with him doesn't seem like a viable option to me.

And that's where the tough part comes in... how am I supposed to tell him that? How am I supposed to say, "Hey, you can't live here anymore. Find a new place, a new job, a new source of income to pay off your bills that you can hardly already afford." How can I say something like that without looking like I'm turning my back on him, or stabbing him in the back? These are the things I think about now.

And during this whole time, I am wondering if I am going to regret the rest of my life for not taking action now. I really want to live in Norman with my friends, you guys don't understand how much I want to do that. I really want to go to OU and not some community college. I think I am smart enough to do that... but now I feel like I'm stuck. I don't know how I'm going to get out of it without losing a friend or regretting what I'm doing.

On top of that, it's affected my life... I don't hang out with friends anymore, because I feel guilty leaving Justin alone. And I don't want to bring him along everywhere I go. I don't bring my computer to the LAN as much, if hardly at all, anymore because he uses it almost as much as me now, and I would feel guilty about that. Generally, I think I care too much, and I need to stop... but then I feel like I would be an asshole.

My hospital bill doesn't mean shit to me compared to this. I feel like I am ruining my own life.

Posted by Joe at October 17, 2005 08:28 AM

Comments

As hard as it really is, there's gotta be a sitdown. =/

If you still want to go to Norman with us, it's not too late really, we can just find another place close by with 3 bedrooms (if you want to stay with us that is). Just let him know that you've got 1 month to think about moving to Norman and going to school full-time and that you really want to go, and drop hints like, "what would you do if I were to go?" or something like that. Make the gears in his head start turning.

Posted by: Token at October 17, 2005 12:42 PM

yay, Token is right, you shouldn't feel guilty, you are the one that is extending already, it is YOUR computer, it is YOUR house, it is HIS car payments, it is HIS decisions to spend HIS money like that.

You've already been nice, and if he did look at you like you were a donkey-in-other-terminology, then you gotta wonder what kind of friend HE is, not what kind of a friend YOU are.

This is YOUR future, not his. Aim for the stars, even if you miss, you'll still be soaring.

Posted by: JP at October 17, 2005 03:39 PM

hey joe. We've talked about this before, and everything you've written you told me before. I see where you are coming from though. I think it's important to realize that he is holding you back. I'm a little bitter because you are one of my best friends, and I dont see you like a good friend should. I get jealous and sad when you dont come around, and only come to movies. I get so frustrated i'll admit it, that you wont come live down in norman, or at least come hang out with us when we are in the appartment. For awhile I thought "maybe he just doesnt like us, or he doesnt like what we do" but then i think about it and realize this is just not true, and I could never really figure it out. So thanks for posting, and making it 100% clear. I know you want to come and you feel guilty, and to some extent I can understand this. But on the other hand, I really think, for you, the best choice is to go to college, and take computer science and learn programing for the web or buisness. This is what Max has JUST started, and that means it's NEVER too late. Even if in a year I graduate, you still have token, adam and max who have at least another 4 years. And you wont be alone in this, and that will make it easier.

I think with Justin, someone you say is a great friend would understand 100% what you have to do. You've been so generous to give him your home, and actually share you physical living space your personal room with him. But not only your room, but your computer, as we know your computer is another part of you. Sharing your life with him has held you back from opertunities i know your interested in. Either school or just hanging out with your friends. Don't let guilt hold you back from doing something with yourself. I know you are very, very smart guy. You are talented in Art and Computers, I think that these 2 skills go hand in hand with eachother, and you would be great at both. Something like webdesign is what I have in mind right now.

Eitherway, im getting really off topic. I'll support whatever you do. But don't forget that we are waiting in norman, and with open arms we will help you do everything we can to make finding a home and enrollment easier for you.

I miss you man. I cant wait for this weekend, i've never been more excited.

Posted by: Nick at October 18, 2005 01:59 AM

They all are speaking the truth Joe, and you know it.
You have to go, you have too much potential to sit here in Tulsa and wither away, and thats all thats gonna happen if you dont go.
You think you feel guilty now? Think how guilty you'll feel when you wake up one day and realize your whole life was wasted over something that really wasnt worth it. Friendship is a wonderful thing, but its not worth sabotaging your whole life over, sounds like you've done enough of that.
As Nick said, if Justin is truly your friend, he will understand. But even if he doesnt, its NOT YOUR FAULT. You've done all you can for him Joe, you HAVE to live YOUR OWN LIFE, and to hell with the other people who would weigh you down because they believe they have nothing left in theirs.
Justin is a grown man, and his life is his responsibility, just as your life is yours. And in the end, if you stay, sure Justin will move out and you'll still be friends, but what will you have given up just for that? Its not worth it Joe, you have to move on. Its time for us all to grow up, period, end of story.
As much as I dont want to say this for selfish reasons, I know I have to because I owe it to you as a friend, you've always been there for me, now Im here for you. Plain and simple, get the fuck out of this town Joe, go make something of yourself please! And dont come back until you've succeeded, or never come back at all. Just dont let yourself wither here in Tulsa, nothing here is worth it Joe. Nothing.

Posted by: Taranis at October 18, 2005 02:52 AM

Smart guy that Taranis.

Posted by: Nick at October 18, 2005 03:00 AM

I don't know you as well as these dudes but I'm going to lend my opinion anyways. I agree mostly with them about up and leaving, but I think you should be direct and honest with Justin. Just lay it out in front of him. Confront the uncomfortable situation headlong. I used to beat around the bush quite a bit with difficult subjects and it made me fucking crazy. I realized the brutal honesty really solves a lot of this. You may come off rude but if someone sits and thinks about it at least you said all there is to say, no matter how harsh. On a slightly different note, I'll probably be here in Norman longer than Nick so we could kick it from time to time and call Nick on the phone and tell him how awesome of a time we're having hanging with Max and James and that he was dumb for getting school done so fast!

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