Cycopl

insomniarocks

so yeah, my last post was pretty vague. sometimes I like to be vague and mysterious, people wonder about what i'm talking about and stuff. most of you probably already know what i'm talking about.

i grew some balls new years eve night, and I called her. it was one of the hardest things i've ever fucking done, it was like taking the driving test times 50. we talked for about 30 minutes, which was great. caught up on the last month, etc. I didn't tell her how i felt, but for some reason i was so happy that i actually got to talk to her, and establish communication after a month of nothing, that i didn't want to ruin anything that i might have felt.

today (technically yesterday, jan 1st) i called her before I had to work, and we talked until I was late, but I didn't really care. but it was kind of an awkward conversation. I didn't feel as good afterwards. I didn't tell her how i felt, but I know she's probably wondering why i'm calling her now after not calling for a month. actually longer than that, i never called her. i've probably only dialed her number three or four times in my whole life, including the time i called her new years eve and today. this is quite a change in my style, but I don't want to fuck up like I did before and not call and let things go for a month. but i'm starting to think maybe she stopped calling me for a reason... i'm always pessimistic.

but she came into the movie theater today, and I know she knew i was there. I told her I had to work until close tonight. I saw her, but she didn't see me. I stepped into the back to finish what I was doing, and when I walked back out, she was gone. This kind of devastated me in a way. It sounds like nothing but to me it wasn't nothing, to me it was fucking terrible. I haven't been able to think straight since then.

So, I've decided, tomorrow before I work, sometime before I work, I'm going to call her and tell her how I feel. I don't care about the consequences anymore. I just need to know if I can move on. Because right now I feel like I am stuck on her and I can't move on, even though it seems like she's forgotten about me. This is the worst I have ever felt in my life. I can honestly say that I have never felt worse than this in my whole entire life. She is the best and worst thing that has ever happened to me. I'm just afraid she got the wrong impression about me...

For the short relationship we had, it was pretty physical. I think we moved a little faster physically than we should have, but I liked her a lot and I was under the impression that she liked me a lot and was ready to take the relationship to the level that we took it to. After everything happened, and she told me that we should take it down a notch, I agreed, but I was depressed about it. I wasn't depressed that we weren't going to be as physical anymore, I was depressed because I thought she didn't like me as much as she did before. I think I fucked up in so many ways I can't even begin to count. I think when I was depressed about taking it down a notch, she got the impression that I was only interested in the physical aspect of our relationship and not the fact that I was afraid she didn't like me as much anymore. I think she got the impression that I didn't like her as much because I didn't call her, but the truth was that I felt like I was an inconvenience to her, and I didn't want to bother her with my phone calls. I felt like she was ashamed of me because I was an inconvenience to her.

This sounds really fucked up but it feels right to me... the last month has changed me as a person and it's changed my goals in life. I feel like I have meaning to my life again, something I didn't feel like I had before. It's hard to strive to achieve things when you don't feel like it has any meaning, but when you have a reason to better yourself, it becomes a lot easier. I feel like she is a reason to better myself and become a better person. I do care about my future and I know that I have to do things to live a full and happy life. but before, I felt like it was worthless, like I was worthless. Lots of people say that relationships that fall apart can never be put back together again, but I don't feel like we had a real relationship in the time that we were together. I didn't know how to act and how to express myself. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know anything, I just let everything happen. This past month has changed me and made me realize that I can't just let things happen anymore, I have to make things happen.

So, tomorrow, I make the call. This is the only way I feel like I can be at peace with myself again. Every night for the past few weeks, I have been going fucking nuts thinking about what I should do. I knew I should call her, so I did. After I called her once, I knew I should keep calling her, so I called her again the next day. But just calling her and talking about random stuff is never going to be anything more than that, and I know this. It's just going to make me feel worse because I think she is a part of my life again but I am just talking to her over a phone. These are the hardest things I have ever done and it makes things I have done in the past look like a fucking cakewalk. I can't believe I was so afraid of driving and getting my license. Compared to this, that was nothing.

Anyway, yeah. I'll update you guys on what happens, good or bad. I don't care about expressing myself on this site anymore, it actually makes me feel a lot better that other people know and care about what is happening to me.

Posted by at January 2, 2005 04:21 AM