Cycopl

drinking

jesus tapdancing christ i drank entirely too much last night

i took like maybe 10-12 shots of vodka

i don't remember going to sleep, but it happened, there were like six pillows laying around in the room i slept in, and i was just laying on the floor with no pillows or anything.

i had a lot of fun, lots and lots of fun, but i'm still feeling the aftermath 24 hours later... for some reason i crashed on my bed about 10pm tonight and then woke up about 2am still feeling shitty, can't sleep now. it's not entirely because of the liquor though, i've been having lots of trouble sleeping lately because i just keep thinking of shit. insomnia due to thinking too much is kind of a catch 22, you want to go to sleep to stop thinking about things, but you can't sleep because you're thinking about things. i wish something would happen to make me happy again, that would just be fucking swell. but i guess that's just me waiting for stuff to happen again.

I think it feels kind of nice to have ambition again though. I want to be independent and persue higher education, get a good job, make lots of money. The biggest problem with ambition though is it seems that the more of it you have, the more it sucks when you're not doing anything. When you lack ambition, you're just happy with not doing anything.

I'm having trouble determining what jumpstarted my ambition again. I used to be really ambitious, I made good grades in school and all that shit. I've been called genius a few times, that gave me a fucking ego from hell that still shows sometimes. I can't say I agree with it though, I think i've done some pretty stupid shit. Not like drive shopping carts into bushes stupid, although I did once jump down half a flight of stairs when I was 17 and fucking damn near broke my foot in half. Stupid shit like gave up on life for four years, didn't look into anything regarding my future.

I really thought I would succeed musically, even though I was playing shitty music that only a small percentage of a small percentage of people liked. I didn't even like it that much. I still think I can succeed musically if I really applied myself, but I realize now that I can actually have a real life while still writing and playing music. Sometimes I feel like I've given up on music, and I kind of have, but I think I love it now more than ever. I just can't find anybody who likes my type of music who has the same views on it as me. I love metal. I play metal. I don't know if there's any other type of music I could ever play or enjoy playing, whenever I think of music in my head, it is metal. There is something about metal that's great. You can write a beautiful acoustic piece that doesn't ever even touch guitar distortion, and it is still metal. I truly think that I appreciate the art of metal... but at the same time, I hate it. Not the music, but the musicians. Most metal musicians are so fucking false it shames me to be associated with them. There is a certain attitude that metal guys feel that they have to have. First of all, they can't listen to anything outside of the genre of metal. It's all pussy shit to them. Some guy actually said to me that he couldn't enjoy any music that was under like 210bpm or something. I'm not a drummer nor am I a schooled musician so I don't recall the exact number he said or know how fast 210bpm is, but I just wanted to kick him in the teeth when he said that. I agree that people are entitled to their own musical opinions, but I refuse to believe that the only music these people like is metal. They just don't give anything a chance, they hear a clean vocal or an acoustic guitar chord and immediately write it off as "pussy shit". I could keep going on, but this whole paragraph is a fucking tangent and I'm just going to say that if I play metal, I'm playing for these fuckers and I don't want a bunch of fans that I despise. Call me an elitist or a bohemian or whatever, but metal fans are the biggest fucking posers out of them all. Most ironically, they are also the most likely to call other people posers. On that note, I'm a metal fan and calling people posers so I might be falling right into my own trap.

Back on the ambition thing... I know I said this at least four times last night when I was drunk, but girls fuck with your mind. In bad ways and good ways, or good ways and bad ways depending on how you look at it. I've been happy many times in my life. When I got skate or die for christmas when I was seven years old, I was happy. When I won the spelling bee at my elementary school, I was happy (although when I lost state, I was unhappy). Girls make you a different happy than that I've recently found out, like you're content with everything that you have or don't have just because you're with somebody that you know likes you. When they say nice things about you, you believe them, and you know it's not bullshit. You feel attractive because they are attracted to you. The feeling is better than anything I've ever felt, it's like a drug. It's addictive. That's what's bad, addiction is bad. Take it away and you feel worse than you've ever felt and you do whatever you can to get it again. Except with drugs it's called desperation. In this case, I'm going out on a limb and calling it ambition.

So yeah, I feel like a dipshit for taking shit so seriously, but I really don't care about feeling like a dipshit anymore. Actually, despite all of the depression and wallowing in my own self pity and posting about it on the internet, I'm actually glad everything happened the way it did. JP was right in what he said, I wouldn't change anything, because it made me the person I am now. The past month has probably been the most productive month of my life, and all I really did was get my drivers license. But I guess I also decided to get a life, and that's pretty productive. I really have problems expressing myself sometimes, but it's great to know that I have friends that will read this and understand what I'm saying and not write me off as some pathetic asshole who feels sorry about himself. I think that means more to me than anything, thank you for being there because without you guys, I don't know what the fuck I would do.

I just remembered that I took a shot of pancake syrup, jesus christ

Posted by at December 30, 2004 04:25 AM