i am uneasy, so fucking uneasy
it's like, I don't know. I don't like posting really personal stuff on this site because it makes me feel like people know too much about me, it makes me feel like i'm opening myself up too much and that leaves weakness points, like people know how to hurt me more if they know more about me. Kind of like when you're fighting somebody, if you leave yourself opened, you're going to get punched. If you don't cover your face, you're going to get punched in the face. If you don't cover your abdomen, you're going to get punched in the guts.
but right now, there is so much shit inside me being hidden and bottled up that I just feel like i'm going to fucking explode. it's been really eating away at me and i've been trying to take initiative and trying to get a grasp on my life, maybe achieve some sort of normal behavior and maybe eventually become a real respectable person. right now I just feel like I'm doing nothing, like I'm just sitting around waiting for something to happen, like it's going to just happen. I know it's not going to happen but I don't know what I want to happen so I just keep waiting like some will just come along. Because that's what everything in my life has been like, my first job just came along. When I started working at the admiral twin, it was just because the opportunity arose. Starworld just came along as a result of working at the admiral twin really.
And any of the relationships that I've been in, they all just came along. Note that I haven't been in many relationships and that's probably a good reason, but everything that has happened to me has just been a matter of circumstances really. And in those relationships, even when I've started, I just wait for things to come along. I don't ever call, I just wait to be called. I don't ever suggest anything, I just wait for something to be suggested. It's kind of what I'm used to now, I was never independent so I couldn't suggest something. That's like callng somebody and saying "hey, let's go see a movie, pick me up?". It doesn't work like that. It's like calling somebody and putting them on hold immediately after. It's just an inconvience. I really really don't want to be like that anymore.
So yeah, my last relationship, I found somebody I really liked. I was so nonchalant about it, after all, it just came along. But it was with somebody that I had liked for months before that, so it seemed so fortunate. And I feel like I fucked that up too, just for waiting for things to come along. I never called, I just waited to be called. I never suggested anything, I just waited for things to be suggested. I've never been used to anything else, I have never been in a position to say "hey, let's meet somewhere", or "hey, let's do something". I'm always tagging along with somebody, and that is what I'm used to. I never have been in a position to suggest anything. But for some reason I thought that was okay. I feel like such a fucking dipshit for thinking that, I just want to fucking punch myself. I feel like a dipshit for getting too attached, and jesus christ I feel like a huge fucking dipshit for not calling her. I should have called her the next day but now it's been pretty much a month since the last time we've talked and the longer I wait the harder it seems like it will be to call her. But I am still stuck with that feeling that I am in no position to suggest anything or do anything, because I am still stuck at my house with no form of transportation or independence, even though I have my license now. and that makes it even worse, it's like something valuable to you right in front of you but a thin sheet of unbreakable glass separating you from it. you can see it but you can't grab it, you just look at it.
so yeah, I don't want sympathy or consolation, I definitely don't want people to feel sorry for me... but i hope somebody understands how I feel right now
Posted by at December 27, 2004 02:38 AMHey Joe,
I totally understand what you are saying up posting things and opening yourself up. It is one of the hardest things for just about any human to do, so you are far from alone there.
I haven't been in too many relationships myself, and in mine, like yours, it has always been hard for me to communicate. They say communication is key, but for me, I've always been more of a listener, and not much of one for talking.
There are always situations that you regret, things you wish you could do better, events you wish you could change. In the end, if someone asked if I could change one thing in the past, what would it be, my answer would be this, "nothing, everything up to now has, in some way, made me the person I am today, it has influenced everything I have done and everything I will do, changing something would change who I am, and what I've learned. It could change me meeting people, becoming friends with people, any number of things." or something like that. I don't know what I'm trying to say with that, but yeah.
I wrote this a little over two years ago, I mention a little about communication in it, if you'd care to read it:
http://one-eyedfred.com/Writings/Misc/AQuestion.html
Anyways, I just wanted to say I know how you feel, I understand the frustration of wanting something so badly and yet not being able to reach it because it is just beyond your grasp. You're an awesome friend and a great person to be around, you never feel like a burden, and I'd always be glad to talk to you about anything (and to spare with you sometime too ~_^).
Posted by: JP at December 27, 2004 12:32 PM*spar, not spare >.<
Posted by: JP at December 27, 2004 12:34 PMJoe, even though you think it shows weakness to post personal stuff for all to see, it really shows how strong you are. Stuff like this is hard to do and anything that is hard to do makes you stronger. I understand not having initiative and not being able to talk to people. You've never felt like a burden to me, even though you don't have transportation you're our friend and picking you up is never a big deal.
I say you should talk to that girl and tell her how you feel. If it goes well than awesome. If it doesn't then at least you tried, and it'll be that much easier to do next time.
PS - I can't wait to watch you and JP spar. It will definitely be cool.
Posted by: HardwareGuy at December 27, 2004 12:59 PMNever forget Joe, your one of my best friends and your a awesome guy, girls would be lucky to have you. That might sound corny, but its true. This also might sound a little lame, but you have taken your life very far recently, and you have accomplished many hard things, getting your license, having the discipline to kick old habits, doing something you always wanted to do, kung-fu, and all at the same time losing 30 pounds.
You'll have your car soon, and have a new job, and you will be going back to school. You have already started to take your life into a new direction and I think that new opportunities will follow.
You can always call man, even if you just wanna hang.
Posted by: Nick at December 27, 2004 01:04 PMI know exactly how you feel...trust me.
I used to hold everything inside. I have 2 words for you: venting helps. When I used to live with my mom, I didnt do anything. I sat around all day waiting for someone to call and want to do something. I was never the one that said: Hey, let's go do something. It really sucks. I took me years to finally realize that my friends actually would listen to me rant about stuff. If you remember that test we took on Erik's site a long time ago, mine said "you feel like life has passed you by." I felt like this very heavily for so many years, and the more I hang out with you guys, the less and less I feel this way everyday. I only felt this way because I never hung out with anyone in high school, or even after high school. I just sat at home waiting on something to happen that would eventually begin "my life". Something just as small as looking up adam's old AIM screen name totally changed my life. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have met you all, you guys will probably never know.
But yes joe, I know how you feel. You've already taken a step in the right direction by venting. You should feel a LITTLE better at lease. Honestly, I started feeling like I took more charge of my life when I got a car. Because I was like "Man, I really need to go to the store." When I had a car, it finally hit me: "You're independant, you have a car...go to the store." and I thought "Hey...maybe I will." It seems so miniscule as that, but stuff like that builds up so much and it will make you feel so much better. The way my mom raised me was to be very submissive and do what I was told. I am slowly growing into my own person and feel much better about myslef.
As far as relationships, that's another department where I dont make anything happen. I just kind of wait around. Which is bad..I need to change that aspect of my life too.
Posted by: Token at December 27, 2004 03:28 PMHi Joe. You are NOT a burden, honestly, you are so awesome it's totally worth my time and gas to pick you up so you can hang. Also, call that girl! Better late than never, and (this is coming from a girl, so you know it's true) if she doesn't appreciate it, she's a fool. <3 Joe, you should hang at teh lan tonight, it might be my last night hanging with you guys, well, I might come over on new year's, but I'm not sure yet.
Posted by: Tina at December 27, 2004 05:41 PM